town, flow of time, people

With the passing of recent events, and people, it would make more sense for this entry to be a reflection on the inevitability of death and the lottery that is our daily lives. However, as I'm lay in bed with an ill fashioned hangover I find my thoughts to be stuck on the people that mean the most to me. There will be no introspection this morning, you guys just get another myspace inspired letter written to a person I wont name. it's short but I couldn't get the thought out of my head.

I desperately need to thank you for all you do for me, which on the Surface, seems like nothing at all. When I explain it to you, I know you'll say that it was nothing at all, but I need you to understand what I tell you and why it took me so long to get it off My chest. Don't say a word, just listen while I scramble my thoughts and belittle my feelings with words. Don't focus on how it comes out all wrong, ponder why it's so fucked up in the first place. "Look, I love you very much (this part will be mumbled). You probably don't realize it, but you perform a very unique function in my life. You believe in a part of me that nobody else does, a part of me that I don't even believe in. I know that I live my life very much by the numbers, the entire time I've know you my life has been black and white,but every single time I play this card you call bullshit. You've never seen me as a machine, when something should make me sad you do everything you can cheer me up. When you say something I should find rude you apologize profusely even if the only response you ever see is "it's fine." You're my Jimminy cricket. I've got my own conscience, but with out your external personification of my humanity, I probably wouldn't be a real boy. I'll get that humanity back, I just gotta knock a little harder."

My first mistake was treating others how I like to be treated. Apparently not everyone likes to be treated the same as a self loathing asshole would.

Experiments in life

January is to be the month of passivity. The first in a medley of short term focuses to improve how I live, where I live, or honing a unique skill. In this case it's a fast. I intend to discover just how much progress a man can make simply by doing nothing. I've accrued many a bad habit in the years leading up to my life as a young man. I smoke too much, drink to excess, eat like shit, sleep only in winks, lie and masturbate like it's going out of style and have lost almost all physical prowess I'd worked to obtain as a youth. I hypothesize that I can improve or relieve everyone of these short comings by either doing nothing or doing very little. Please allow me to explain.

Smoking is an act that can not be done on accident. Each time I decide to light up a smoke minimal effort is required to reach into the pack and put one in my mouth. Honestly the hardest part of this is deciding which color lighter of the many on my desk I'll use to indulge myself. As I've demonstrated minimal effort is expended in the onset of this process even less effort during the act. The only simpler way to smoke is to not smoke. I've quit many times and truthfully it has never been that difficult. With the release of a crutch I anticipate anxiety at first, but easier than dealing with anxiety is to do nothing about it. Doing nothing means I can not fail or falter at this endeavor.

The same can be said of the consumption of alcohol. As an additional bonus the cessation of these habits will improve the over all health of my body as well as my wallet. Preserving tens or hundreds of dollars this month is just what I'll require for my day of preparation. I can easily reallocate my alcohol budget to shop for provisions that I can in 60 seconds or less use to improve my overall nutrition, appearance, and health which will in turn have cumulative effects on my physique and fitness. Such provisions will include nutritional supplements and a months worth of simple easy foods among other amenities I can passively use while sitting at my computer. 

At this point in my life I'm well versed enough in human physiology and nutrition to do myself a lot of good with no extra research required. The body really is a wonderfully synchronized machine that requires no conscious operation. At no point in my life have I ever had to think about where those proteins were going, never have I had to flip a switch on my digestive system, or decide what to do with the waste product. Clean fuel and clever manipulation of body processes can yield amazing results, this requires no more effort than for me to swallow a few pills here and there and to tolerate food that isn't a ham and cheese sandwich or ramen noodles.

Sleep is one of the many ways you can do literally nothing at all and still do something amazing. To sleep is to heal, to rest, to relax. To dream is to escape, to relive, to envision. Further explanation is wholly unneeded. Anyone who can read this understands that in a healthy, natural, cycle sleep requires only two key components a will to or a necessity. Both of these come naturally of most people. All I need to do is work with my body instead of against it.

I'll keep this brief: The only thing easier and more productive than cruising the internet for porn and fapping is not cruising the internet for porn and doing something else instead.Which brings us to the final and most complex of my vices...

I've got an unnerving talent for, and a natural predisposition towards deception. As I said at the begining I intend to use the month of january to passively focus on self improvement. Manipulation is It's a part of who I am and how I live, but it's also a unique skill. I often use omission, silence, or bald face lies to avoid uncomfortable situations or observe the reaction of others. Unfortunately I've only been looking at one side of the coin. I am not a pathological liar, I lie to achieve a desired result or to amuse myself. It's always been evident that unadulterated truth can have the same effect, but I'm much less versed in weaving a tangled web of truths. I often use omission, silence, or bald face lies to avoid uncomfortable situations, but at the core of every evasive person is a tongue that pines for freedom. I'll free this beast come hell or high water. Liberating an attribute or mannerism that you suppress for the sake of others is a very simple "I don't give a fuck" gesture. I intend to observe effects of this form of communication while I hold nothing back. Hiding how I feel, double thinking my responses, back tracking and reiterating can be very tiresome. Simpler it would be to just say things once and mean them, even if it comes down to verbal fisticuffs. This month is meant to be about self improvement so it makes sense that I should begin to hone my most god given natural talent.

Nearly every vice you might accumulate over the course of your lifetime may be over come simply by doing nothing. These methods will do nothing for your survival, but will ensure your success.

hear/see more at my new sub blog xanga.com/getonmylevel99

and now back to your regularly scheduled programming. 

Now you know the man I am

I keep trying to write a song to show you the way, but it seems to me that it's already been done time and time again in brilliance I couldn't replicate. You really are the center of the universe as far as I'm concerned. Everything in your life revolves around you, from the people you meet to the unseemly timing of events and actions; you're the sun, yet dressed as dark as night. Another sunset I'll never catch. Fractured, shattered, scattered, you go to work to reevaluate your life and search for things just out of reach. Honestly I like you a lot, but you're not the kind of person I can depend on, even if you always mean well. I keep hoping you'll look up and realize that you're bleeding for all the wrong reasons. Even if it's hard on the heart, I'll always be here for you. I literally can't get out of this town anymore than you can, even if we're without debts of honor or otherwise. You must realize that even with all you have you're still on your own

Oh the things you do to keep yourself down and oh the way you rationalize it as the lesser of two evils. You advocate freedom for yourself and the masses as if you don't already have it. Your chains rack you as a martyr to yourself, but a victim to all that have met you; punishment for your inability to use your charms responsibly. Your silence on these matters reveals your shame to no one and empowers your guilt, but you consider this to be a fair trade. Oh the things you tell me in confidence and oh how they would ruin you. Only in the depths of your soul do you repent... to no one. Your affinity for deceit perpetuates the enigmatic nature you so despise. You know how to steal, but you hate the way that feels. Even so, I wonder what parts of your life were earned and which parts you swindled. You really have been this way your whole life. Most days you realize the need to suppress what you are, and then suddenly you are not the sun. You give the best parts of yourself to swine as penance; a wretch you remain."Power isn't meant to be wielded by tiny hands, guilt is only for the unforgiven, Freedom is but a state of mind, and absolution isn't deserved by one unable to be absolved". That is what I would tell you if you'd listen. Poor bastard.

How cold and condescending you are to everyone you consider to be beneath you. Is it any wonder a self loathing narcissist can't find a friend? This world is especially cruel to people of your caliber. You seem so callous and hopeless, but you have more legitimate faith than any. You continue to adapt, but never break. That is why you don't fit into the lives of others and can only stay in seasons. Biology, theology, and society tear people away from you unrequited and spur them to what they want. There is no place for cynicism in blind faith or blind love. Who are you to tell them they're wrong? You're not their lover nor their god. Yes you cry, not for yourself, but for their perceived loss. 

It's an early death for a girl like you. Always starved for a semblance of truth, a liqidification of well being, or an illusion of love. You fall in and out of love with everything, because you can't make a decision either way. Every time you change your mind you lose the energy you've invested. Time and repetition has eroded your sense of self to the point of near apathy. You're not in love with everything, love is an expression you've only made in your loins and insecurity. Often times you do things for the soul purpose of finding out if you're really alive. It's easier for you to get closer to heaven then ever feel whole again.

You're one the loneliest people I've ever had the pleasure of being.

Baggage

I was never sure if venting hatred was really the best way to cure it. I want to tell all you mother fuckers how I really feel about you. All names omitted due to laziness no persons mentioned will ever see this.

You're an insecure piece of shit that likes to tear people down to your level. You're afraid of everything, especially being alone, but you need to understand that our lives are not intertwined. If I am doing something for myself I'm going to do it, even if you bitch about it constantly. We get along on the surface. You like to drink and I drink to feel better in your presence because literally everything about you disgusts me in some way. I'm not one to tell people they're wrong in their lifestyle choices, so you'd never hear this from me, but every facet of your life is hollowed out bullshit. You do a great job at coping with your self induced life sentence to hell, but that's not admirable; it's vile. Get at least some of your shit straight and then maybe we'll talk. You're literally the worst thing in my whole life. The good news is I don't have to deal with you on the regular anymore, seems you got the hint, or at least found other people you could suck dry. That's the nicest thing you could have done for me. The bad news, is I only despise you because you personify every quality I despise in myself. I could write pages on this matter, but I'll just leave it at that.

Our relationship is simple, irregular, and easy. Actually you're just about everything I look for in a friend. You're a bit mundane, but always a safe bet. You know what kind of person I am and you don't press the issue. I like that about you. If you want to talk; we talk. If I want to talk; you make time and we talk. I believe that we can discuss things OPENLY and enjoy each other's perspective on the issue with out coming to blows about it. We differ in a lot of ways and I don't always understand your motives, but I believe that you legitimately care for my well being. You're one of the few people left in this town I actually want to see and I don't think you're going anywhere in the near future. It's selfish and silly, but this gives me a great deal of hope.

You force me to be patient and kind, but not in a way that is intrusive. Well maybe it is a bit out of my way, but I never mind doing it. You remind me of a time when I was a different person. I shouldn't put it in such relative terms; you remind me of one of the longest most sincere portions of my life. Even if you're not conscious of it, you challenge me and hold me accountable for my actions in a way few very special people have. There is something missing between you and I though. The difference is that even though I am being genuinely and uncharacteristically kind, I still feel untrustworthy in your eyes. I'm insecure about this, because I know what I'm capable of if I'm left unchecked. I can earnestly live in the moment with you, but in hindsight I just feel so manipulative. Are you looking through me or are you just afraid? As a result of this strife, we know nothing of each other aside from what we want to see. That and the secrets that slip out after a bottle. In a lot of ways I should thank you, but our consortium is very unhealthy... This information is going nowhere, so I may as well just come out and say that I give you more power over me than you can use responsibly. It's an intangible gift, but it's all I can give to a person who has everything, but nothing at all.

You are one hell of a guy, one of the best I've ever met probably. You're also one of the most unintentionally hilarious people ever. You're goofy as shit, socially awkward, optimistic to a fault, with a heart of gold. Your perspective is invaluable to me, because for every ounce of cynicism I hold you have twice as much faith. I know your type; they all bend and break eventually to my disappointment, but I don't see that in you. Life dick punches you all the time, but you always take it with mind blowing confidence or naivety. You are the champion my friend. We are a very unlikely pair, but had I never taken the time to get to know a guy like you I don't know where I'd be. I've known you for years, but it wasn't until everyone else had gone that you stepped in. You embolden my sensibilities and broaden my horizons, you're exactly the kind of person that can spur me to show my true colors. You are not of this world, but being the odd man out never got you down. Keep doing what you're doing. You fucking inspire me to rise above more than Queen's entire discography. 

Actually this little vent turned out to be way more positive than I thought it would. This bit of introspection should serve as a road map to how I should be spending my free time. I could keep going, but it's more important for me to make it to work on time tomorrow. I haven't let responsibilities hinder my therapy in a very long time, but tonight it just feels right. When I started writing these anonymous myspace inspired rants, the theme was going to be "hate is just love disappointed", but it didn't turn out that way at all. Maybe I'll do another anon rant tomorrow night if I feel up to it.